August 04, 2014

Things I totally need from Sky Mall

I don't pretend to understand how Sky Mall works. All I know is that it's a catalogue that some airlines offer in flights for enjoyment.

I'm sure the idea is fiscally-driven. Giving us passengers the opportunity to realize how empty our lives are because we lack things like a square yard of real, indoor grass for our pets or a toaster that cooks hot dogs and their buns all at once.

In reality, though, it's full of absurd crap that you eventually find in thrift stores and yard sales; the sort of things that make you scratch your head and think, Why would anyone buy this? And then: Why would anyone make this?

If nothing else, Sky Mall is entertaining. Especially for the likes of me-- folks who would otherwise grip the seat while trying not to vomit due to our crippling travel anxiety.

An aside: I spent hours before my trips reading about how to travel alone confidently. Solo travelers are sexy, headlines promised. I attempted to distract myself from replaying disaster scenarios in my head by how sexy I must look, traveling alone, spring in my step, sharing organic, dark chocolate peanut butter cups with my seatmates. Still, somehow, despite my veil of confidence, on the most memorable flight, I managed to drop my travel mug which rolled upon the fellow's bag behind me, spilling water everywhere. And then I elbowed my almost-full ginger ale face-down into the lap of the guy next to me. I spent the next twenty minutes of the flight crying silently, resulting in a spiral of black makeup smeared around my eyes.

So while not crying or spilling beverages all over people, and when not reading books on how to deal with travel anxiety, I read Sky Mall. And I realized my life is missing so very much.

If only I'd had these Jeans Lounge Pants, for instance, during my trips. Then my faked confidence while traveling would have been real.

Or if the jeans weren't enough, I could have filled them with this. Luckily for my wallet, the beauty of my bottom is already on the dangerous side of enhanced, so I wasn't that tempted to purchase one, but who knows? Maybe a super-round-lifted-beautiful-bottom would've somehow caught the ginger ale and gently replaced it on my tray with no spillage. At the price of these, I would expect no less of a miracle.

I've tried one of these before at one of those massage stores that sells salt-and-pepper shakers that dance of their own accord. My friends had to pull me from it mid-sequence, as my groans were getting too loud and scaring people. So yes, I can vouch that this thing is worth the price of a new car.

Laugh all you want. I did, before arriving in the Far North. I even thought something like, wow, there is nothing sexier than a man in a hooded-zip-up mosquito jacket. But the mosquitoes up there are no joke. I've grown up in the tropics and haven't met mosquitoes like that in my life. They're huge and cling when you run and in the cold and they follow you in your shower and try to attack while the hot water is still going strong. I'm convinced they're on steroids and genetically modified. So I can totally see myself wearing one of these now. Confidently, of course.

If I had a dog, I'd bring it to travel with me just so it could wear this gem. Imagine the conversations that would start up. Like: Are Boston Terriers allergic to water? And: Why are you such an asshole to your dog?

Although, sometimes the best part of traveling is making it back home. Imagine coming inside and being greeted with this hottie. I don't know if I'd leave the house again.

And this horrifying accent. I imagine it exists to scare children and generally discourage visitors of all ages.

And when you're finally unpacked and have made that warm mug of tea, you can sit in your backyard with this fella (whose persona happens to define sexy, mysterious solo traveling, am I right?). When I'm finally finished editing my fairy tale novel, maybe I'll treat myself to one and mount it over my stove. Then adorn him with a paisley scarf and read my poetry to him when people aren't around. Or maybe while people are around-- to generally discourage visitors, of course.

Have you guys ever bought anything from Sky Mall?


  1. ROFLMAO!!! Only in America. Or perhaps it's been too long since I travelled by air.

    I'd totally wear the skeeter jacket when walking the dog in the woods. Heck, some nights I'd want to sleep in it.

    1. I examined the magazine a bit more and yes... I believe it is good ol' America! Though it wouldn't surprise me if other countries do similar things.

      I'm with you on the jacket now. I'd never had enormous mosquitoes attach themselves to the back of my neck & scalp while briskly walking before. Don't know if I'd pay $59 or whatever for it, but I can see the appeal for sure.

  2. Oh my.
    Scary, scary thoughts.
    I hope my partner (who has zip sales resistance for a quirky gimmic) NEVER sees this magazine.
    And would love to see our cats in an umbrella suit.
    I hear you on fear of flying too. I hyperventilate to the max both before and during every flight. Sweaty palms don't grip well do they?

    1. No! Sweaty palms don't grip, that's for sure. More like slip. And feel generally uncomfortable and gross.

      I suppose of me and Jordan, I'm the frivolous spender, and I still wasn't caught under Sky Mall's spell. Perhaps your fella would see through its glamour as well...
      And I, too, would love to see your cats in umbrella suits!

  3. so. freakin'. FUNNY!!

    i admit, there are days here when the mosquito jacket would be very welcome.

    the things some people do to their pets is almost short-haired sausage dog, who suffers miserably in the cold, would rather continue to suffer miserably than wear the sweater i force him to wear so as not to suffer miserably in the cold. he hates it. violently. i can only imagine the look i'd get if i forced him to wear a raincoat. even though he also hates getting wet.


    1. Glass half empty kinda guy, is he? ;-) LOL

    2. Poor sausage dog :( See, I can see helping a creature out with cold and other yucky weather. My parent's beagle happens to love wearing shirts. If I'm there, I'll pick up a shirt and he'll run to me and start pushing his head through it. That's when I sorta began changing my mind about dog clothes, since some dogs seem to love it. That said, this rain suit couldn't be anything else than mortifying for both dog and owner... surely there are less absurd dog rain coats out there...

  4. Don't let them lure you in LOL. If there's one thing I'll never need, it's a bigger butt. I may consider the mounted squirrel, though. It might make my dogs even crazier :)

    1. Haha. I hear you on the butt thing. Mine doesn't need any... "help" in that department, either. Though if your dogs enjoyed the squirrel, I can see it being worth it. ;)

  5. Sky Mall is hilarious. I have never bought anything, but a mosquito net jacket sure would be handy here in the summers after dark. We love our fireworks and bonfires, but man, come July the mosquitoes are terrible. If just around friends, I would totally wear one.

    And if I had in-disposable buckets of money, I agree the massage chair would be worth a car.

    1. Yes I totally agree about the jacket! The mosquitos up north aren't even deterred by repellent... they're like smallish demons. Massage chair---- I wouldn't ever leave it if I had buckets of cash. I'd alternately spend my time in that chair and in a home sauna.


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